Dennis Miller

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

Sure, the lion is king of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica and he's just a penguin's bitch.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

I rant, therefore I am.

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy.
Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die.
There, you feel better now?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Let's face it, Buzz Aldrin was just one karate chop from being the first man to walk on the moon.

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're football players, for chrissakes! And is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?

I used to be a skeptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

As a comedian, with George W.Bush coming into office, I feel like the owner of a hardware store before a hurricane.
I hate to see it coming but I have to admit it's good for business.

Movers went to the Governor's Mansion in Austin, Texas to transfer Bush's belongings to Washington.
The move itself took very little time once workers discovered that Bush had nothing upstairs.

I'll take my shots at Dubya, but I actually have high hopes for the next four years.
I see George W. Bush working hard to keep the ambitions of big business and the military in check, and ensure that even the lowest job pays a dignified wage.
I believe he'll erase the animus that has divided Washington, and bring both sides of the aisle together.
I also happen to believe dogs can talk if you touch them in the right spot, and everyone watching me is happy with their body.

For Secretary of State, Bush chose Colin Powell. Okay, no complaints there. Nice to see that Bush picked a minority. After all, a minority picked him.

In the elaborate wardrobe of human emotions, guilt is the itchy wool turtleneck that's three sizes too small.

Bureaucracy is out of control. Bureaucracy is out of control. Bureaucracy is out of control. I'm sorry, they made me give that to you in triplicate.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world, and people would just spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

A lot of people voting for Pat Buchanan say they are doing so to send a message. Apparently that message is, "Hey, look at me, I'm an idiot."

As of yet there have been no deaths attributed to the killer bees in Texas. However, two bees were caught this week planning a murder.

In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March,
God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years.
Off the record, God has stated, "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago."

There are two groups of people in the world now. Those that get pathetically drunk in public - and the rest of us poor bastards who are expected to drive these pinheads home.

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